the shittiest thing i've ever done

It was Saturday night and the 20th anniversary of Kronies, the tavern I worked at on Bellevue and Rush. I was the assistant manager, and my duties that night were to co-mingle with the customers and do shots. My shot was Cuervo.

After about four of these encounters with tequila, my stomach started to churn. At the point that I could no longer stand straight from intense abdominal pain, I rushed up the stairs to the bathroom alongside the manager office. This bathroom was very private, and I hoped that no one would notice my absence.

So I took a nice dump. Nothing out of the ordinary...or so I thought. You see, this particular poop was a world record poop, the kind you want to gather your friends around and find wondrous. It was at least a foot or more long. As I stared down into the bowl with pride, I knew what I must do, and I sadly flushed. And that is when the panic set in. Because even though I had this truly fantastic foot-long floater floating there, I discovered that the toilet was broken. It would not flush. And I had been gone far too long and everyone would know that it was I who had left the giant turd in the toilet!

I had to get rid of the evidence. I thought, maybe I can just take the poop out and hide it until Monday morning, when I come back to work. But where do I hide it? I frantically looked around for something, anything that would conceal. As luck would have it, the bathroom was connected to a supply closet and in the supply closet were stacks of plastic cups sealed in plastic sleeves. I tore off some of the plastic, wrapped it around my hand and reached in. After making sure my package was closed up tight, I hid it behind the cups in the very back of the closet.

With the evidence gone, I returned back to the party.

Monday came and went. It was two months before my boss found the special little package while doing inventory. No one ever knew who left the enormous shit in the supply closet.